To 5:00pm

Dear 5:00 (of the post meridian persuasion),

What is it about you that turns perfectly lovely children into crazy, loud, lunatics? It seems, at least in our household anyway, that whenever you come around the kids just go nuts. One minute they're playing happily and quietly, the next they are screaming about something-or-other, or else running around in circles. I'm really having a hard time grasping the meaning of this change in behavior.

I know that it is probably unintentional on your part, and I know that it is impossible to keep you from coming around the house every night, but couldn't you do something to keep the children calm? Because when the Crazy Children arrive, Monster Mommy is not far behind and I am not so terribly fond of her, either.

Getting the riot gear ready for your arrival,
Nomes

To Those of You Wondering If I Have Fallen Off the Face of the Earth

Dear Those-Who-Have-Been-Wondering-if-I-Have-Fallen-Off-the-Face-of-the-Earth,

No, I have not. I am still around. Life has been exceedingly crazy the past two weeks. We spent the week leading up to Halloween discovering that my husband was going to Iraq, deciding that the rest of us should go live at my parents' house for the duration of hubby's tour, packing up/cleaning our rental house, withdrawing children from school, and preparing for a cross-country road trip. All went fairly well, except for the fact that trying to pack an entire house and subsequently cleaning it all by oneself while dealing with four children is not and enjoyable experience. Thank goodness for friends who took pity on me and watched my children for me! And we did not get the house cleaned to the management company's requirements. I know we didn't. So bye-bye, deposit. You will be missed.

The drive across the country was actually rather enjoyable. We did the first leg right after we turned in our keys to the management company. It was hard, seeing as we had spent the whole day cleaning. But we made it. I have to say that the South in the Fall is just absolutely breathtaking. And the further north we drove, the more beautiful it became. The kids did well in the car. Not too many meltdowns. Thank goodness we have adaptable children!

(three and a half days later...)

Nebraska is not very, shall we say, lovely. But Wyoming along I-80 is worse. Much worse.

We arrived at my parents' house Sunday evening, just in time for dinner. Dinner is good. Especially after living off of fast food. *shudders* Fast food, while good on occasion, is not at all good more than two times in a row. So not good. So thanks, Mom and Dad, for the delicious meal. It was very much appreciated.

We spent the next couple of days getting settled in. It's amazing how moms (and I am speaking of myself at this point) are given the gift/curse of being able to run off of pure adrenaline when the need arises. I had a sinus infection (did I mention that) for the whole packing/moving/traveling ordeal, but was still able to unpack. I knew a crash was inevitable, but things must be done to preserve sanity in an insane situation.

Hubby and I were able to get a night all to ourselves at a quaint little hotel two nights before he left. It was wonderful. And that's all that needs to be said.

It was difficult saying good-bye to Hubby. And that's all that needs to be said.

(The following week...)

The kids have started school. It's nice to have a routine, again. It makes things seem more normal. My family has been wonderful. They've been so helpful, and I just can't thank them enough. The kids are calming down, as well. It almost got to the point where we were all ready to sell them on eBay, but they are quickly redeeming themselves. Except can anyone please explain to me why children seem to become hyper after 5pm? Or is it just my children?

So there you go. I have not fallen of the face of the Earth. I'm just hanging on the edge for a bit.

The End,
Nomes

To Baking Bread

Dear Baking Bread,

I just wanted to let you know how much I LOVE your smell. I seriously think someone should figure out how to bottle up your aroma and market it, because I would so buy it.

Of course, I could just keep baking more loaves of bread...

*deep breath and contented sigh*
Nomes

To the Next Six Months

To the Next Six Months,

I know that at the end you are going to seem to have just flown by, but we are not at the end, we are at the beginning. My dearest husband (out of all of my other husbands) is going to be serving a tour of duty in Iraq during your lifetime. Please, I ask you, to go by quickly. Don't feel as though you have to dawdle. I know that we should enjoy time, but for you I can make an exception. During your passing could could you also just keep an eye on him and make the time go quickly for him, as well? Thanks. I would really appreciate that.

Hoping you are very, very swift,
Nomes

To the Baby

Dear Baby,

You really must stop doing headers into table legs. I mean, I know that you're brain is still young and growing, but constant bangs into table legs can't be good.

Love,
Mom

To Kim's Scar

Dear Kim's Scar,

You really need to leave Kim alone. She tells me that you are bothering her with your itchiness. That's really not very kind of you. She has a life she needs to lead and you are very distracting.

So stop. Just stop.

Sincerely,
Nomes

To Exhaustion

Dear Exhaustion,

What is going on? Are you trying to kill me? I have not had a decent night's sleep in, oh, about forever! I have even had to resort to drinking the occasional caffeinated soda to even function. I am most displeased.

Yes, I know that I have a bit of stress, but I'm sure no more than the next person. I know there are many people out there with small children, that there are other people up to their eyeballs in debt (ours is of the student loan variety, as you well know). I know there are other women besides me who are wondering if and when their husbands are going to be called up to go over to Iraq. It is not just I who volunteers, and runs a household, and cares for others. I know there are women who are going through much more than I, and for that reason I am going to defeat you.

I am going to start exercising. I am going to eat right. I am going to go in for a physical. I am going to take time for myself once a week. I am going to do more service. I am going to reserve time each day for spiritual contemplation and meditation. I am going to look at what I can do and not focus on what I can't. I am going to celebrate each day as a gift. I am going to cultivate my sunny attitude. I am going to compile a list of things I am grateful for. I am going to keep courting my husband. I am going to cherish my children.

By doing all of these things and more, I am going to defeat you, Exhaustion. Our time together is limited. You have been warned.

About to kick you to the curb,
Nomes

P.S. You can thank my dear friend Cathy for reminding me how to care for myself. She's got your number!

To My Letter Readers

Dear Readers,

Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to come and read my letters! I've received tons of positive feedback and I thank you for that, as well.

I was just wondering if there were any subjects for which you would like to see a letter? Comment with as many as you like, and I will try to write something witty. If you don't have any, then don't comment. It's okay if you don't. I'll still respect you. :)

Sincerely,
Nomes

To Clothes

Dear Clothes,

Isn't there any possible way that you could all be wrinkle free?

Sulking back to the ironing board,
Nomes

To Netflix

Dear Netflix,

Thank you for providing a service that saves me from taking four children into a video store. (I'm sure that all of the patrons and staff of the video store thank you, as well). You also help me save on gas. Oh, and I can also catch up on television shows I've missed. I love you for that!

Waiting anxiously for the mail,
Nomes

P.S. You are beyond better than Blockbuster. Be proud of that.

To Furniture

Dear Furniture,

I wish that I had some of you. Namely bookcases. And dressers. Dressers would be nice. And perhaps a new bed. Yeah. That sounds good.

Hoping to see you soon,
Nomes

To Heroes

Dear Heroes,

I have recently discovered just how truly remarkable your television show is. The attention to detail is frankly astounding. I have found myself watching the scenery and background almost as much as watching the main characters. Your subtle (or perhaps not so subtle) use of the Symbol, your use of music, the fleeting glances... I love them all!

I really enjoy how you take seemingly random individuals and tie them all into one story. The first season was masterfully done. However, I am finding the second season a tiny bit convoluted. Too many characters. While I am sure you have some brilliantly thought-out master plan, couldn't we do away with a few? Niki, perhaps? She bugs me to no end. And while I am still reserving judgment on the Dominican Twins and the whole Irish family storylines, my patience is not long. Let us speed things up a bit.

Oh, and could Linderman and Kensei be the same person? That would just be way too cool!

Waiting to see more of Peter's total awesomeness,
Nomes

To the US Gonverment

To the US Government,

It has become painfully clear that something is seriously amiss with the way in which you are run. Performance has slowed way down, there are too many programs, and your processing speed is abysmal (DMV, anyone?). If you were a computer you would be purged of all non-essential programs and rebooted. And that is exactly what I suggest for you: purge and reboot.

It is time to replace all elected officials. Those in office, in ALL elected offices on BOTH sides of the aisle have grown too fond of the power they hold and it is painfully obvious that the true safety, quality of life, and personal freedoms of your constituents has been thrust to the bottom of their priority list. It seems more important to outdo the "other guy" than to protect this nation from a variety of threats and economic hardships. The elected officials are obviously not getting the job done. Purge.

We need new faces, new elected officials. We need to go back tot the Master Boot Record i.e. the Constitution. No more power plays. I'm tired of them. No more bickering. Reboot.

Just about ready to pass a magnet over the whole system,
Nomes

To Smalltown, Georgia

Dear Smalltown, GA,

Is there any particular reason why this town is lacking in neighborhood sidewalks? If my family wants to go on a walk, we either have to walk across people's lawn (which is rude) or walk in the street (which is dangerous). How difficult would it have truly been to build sidewalks while building the neighborhood? Now, I would understand if this were an older neighborhood, but this subdivision is young!

So come on, Smalltown! Pry open that wallet of yours and give us some sidewalks!

Sincerely,
Nomes

To My Hair

To My Hair,

I just thought I should send you a little note of apology. I am so sorry for the past five years. The harsh conditions to which you have been subjected, namely the humidity, is beyond description. You, who have been born and bred for dry weather shouldn't have to deal with all of this moisture. It is wrong and I apologize.

I am also sorry for the treatment you have received because of my children. Because of the constant pulling and whatnot, I have been forced to keep you in a seemingly eternal bun. You are meant to be kept down, long and flowing.

Do you remember the days of flowing in the wind? Or me playing the piano and you giving off an irresistible urge to play with you to anyone who happened to be standing behind us?

Take heart, hair. Only three and a half more years before we leave humidity and small children behind us forever. And while I am sad about the small children part, I am most definitely looking forward to having you done properly.

Sincerely,
Nomes

To My Running Toilet

Dear Running Toilet,

What's the deal? You're keeping me up at night. Don't make me come back in there and jiggle your handle!

Nomes

To My Husband on His Birthday

To My Dearest Husband on His Thirtieth Birthday,



BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

YOU'RE OLD!!!!!

*takes comfort in the fact that no matter what, I will always be younger than you*

I hope that you have had a wonderful day. I am blessed to have you in my life, and I hope that we'll be doing this again in another thirty years. (When, of course, you will be even OLDER!)

Take heart, sweety. You won't really be old until you're dead. You are one of those who will always be young. Here's to 1977: a very good year!

Love,
Naomi

To Pens and Pencils

Dear Pens and Pencils,

I was just wondering; is there a particular reason why you run away from our house? I mean, I can only assume that you run away seeing as I go from having a fresh new pack of you to having no idea where you've gone. Seriously. It takes about a day. Is there something the matter with our family? Do we press to hard? Do we forget to put the caps back on? Do we smell?

I'm sorry that you don't like our house, but we are in constant need of your services. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to the pen and pencil jar to grab one of you to jot down a phone message, only to find that it is empty, or that the pens in there are dry, or that the pencils are broken. Or, when I need to pay bills, there is not a pen to be found!

I guess what I'm asking is if there anything we can do to make your stay in our home more enjoyable so that you won't be tempted to run away and leave us in a lurch? Perhaps a nicer jar? Or those swanky grips to wear? Is the humidity level in the house to high? I can fix that! Please, please, please just let me know what I can do. We need you so badly and want you to be happy so that you are willing to be available when we need you. We can make this work! I know we can!

Sincerely,
Nomes

To My Baby's Gummy Smile

Dear Baby's Gummy Smile,

Well, it looks as though you are not long for this world with the discovery of two teeth today. I have to say that I am always a little sad with the coming of the first few teeth, because I just love the way you gummy smiles look! I love how you gnaw on things and how you are all cute and pink when a grin shows you off. My goodness, I'm going to miss you.

Of course, I'll probably see you again once I lose all of my own teeth, but let's not go there...

Farewell, Gummy Smile.

Nomes

To Monster Mommy

To: Monster Mommy
Re: Your recent frequent appearances.

It has come to my attention that you have been appearing more and more in our home and I'm afraid that this is just inexcusable. Whenever you show up (mainly at the most hectic part of the evening) yelling ensues, kids get upset, and my husband runs for cover. You have also been observed throwing random objects against the garage wall in an attempt to calm down.

Not that you haven't had almost justifiable cause: children ignoring you, babies crying, at times feeling somewhat under-appreciated. One can almost hardly fault you under such circumstances, but the frequency at which you have been turning up has, quite frankly, become alarming.

Please consider yourself "on notice."

Tired of the loss of control,
Nomes

To Chocolate

Dear Chocolate,

I think I've figured out why women love you so much. You're like the punk kid we were told to stay away from in high school. You know the one: bad attitude, always in trouble, cute as all get-out. The kind of boy who we knew would lead us to nowhere good. but we were drawn to him, nonetheless.

You are just like that boy, Chocolate. We women know you're bad for us, that if we have too much of you it will lead us to nowhere good (i.e. ChubbyLand), yet we flock to you in droves! You are completely irresistible, what with your smoothness of texture, your pleasing aroma, your oh-so-sweet taste...

*takes a moment to eat a few bits of chocolate*

......

Feeling the guilt but ready to nibble you again in a heartbeat,
Nomes

To My Clean Toddler

Dearest Toddler,

I don’t know where you came from, but you just crack me up! My latest favorite part about you is how you are all of a sudden so tidy! You know how you are constantly closing cupboard doors behind me? Or like the other day, when I left a plate on the couch and you came and grabbed it and were going to put it in the sink, but got so upset when you realized that the baby gate was blocking your way?

What really floors me is that when you spill something (like a drink), as all toddlers are wont to do, instead of getting upset you shout, “MESS” and run to the kitchen to get a towel and proceed to clean it up!

I know that this won’t last forever, but I’m always grateful for small favors. Keep it up as long you like. I know I certainly won’t mind!

Enjoying your fastidiousness,
Mom

To My Children

Dear Children,

Would it be too much to ask to please let me go to the bathroom in peace? Why is it that the world starts falling apart the moment I need some "time to myself?" I'm never in there for very long, and I'm sure that whatever it is that seems so important to you at that moment could certainly wait five more minutes!

(Unless, of course, someone is bleeding or the house in on fire*)

You all know that I love you dearly. However Mom needs some alone time. Please, in the future, refrain from waiting outside of the bathroom door, trying to shout to me about something through bathroom door, sending me notes under the bathroom door, and sticking your little fingers under the bathroom door.

Looking forward to the day she doesn't have to announce she is going "potty,"
Mom

*Please note that nowhere in that sentence are the phrases, "but I'm hungry" or "I want to watch TV" or "he/she hit me/took my toy/is breathing."

To Some Britons (and an Aussie)

Dear David Tennant, Hugh Laurie, Hugh Jackman, Alan Rickman, and last but not least Colin Firth,

YUM!

Most Sincerely,
Nomes

To My Baby and His Noises

Dearest Squealing Baby,

Do you have any idea how much joy those noises are to me? As you are my last, I realize that the sounds of baby-ness will not be much longer in my home. I love your noises: the cooing, the “da da das,” the hypersonic peals that almost reach canine hearing levels, and yes, even your cries. Little one, I have so much enjoyed this time with you. And now, while I still have you as a baby, please keep up the tender noises. I know that your infant laughter will eventually make its way to toddler laughter and beyond, but for now I am content. Thanks for the joyful noise!

All ears to all of your baby noises,
Mom

To My Tonsils

Dear Tonsils,

I'm not sure how to begin. It is never easy writing a letter of this sort. I know that we have been together for a very long time - almost thirty years - however, I just don't think it's working out between us. I know that you are quite attached to me, but your behavior over the years, especially the last two or three, has made me realize that it is not worth the time and energy needed on my part to make this relationship work.

I understand that this may be hard for you to hear but you have become nothing more than a nuisance. You are a breeding ground for infection, you are huge (not that weight ever matters but I am starting to have trouble breathing), and you keep me from getting a good night's sleep.

I'm going to be taking steps to make our separation permanent. I'm sorry, but I have to do what's best for me.

It's not me, it's you.

Sincerely,
Nomes

To Severus Snape

Dear Severus Snape,

A DOE?? Are you freakin’ kidding me?! I mean, I understand the romance of it all, but no wonder you never cast a Patronus in front of the other Death Eaters! “Protecting my cover” my eye! You would have had the grease beat out of you for having Bambi as a protector! FREAKIN’ BAMBI!

And you told Tonks her new Patronus was weak! Seriously, you’re killing me here.

*bother*
Nomes

To My Two Year Old

My Dearest Two Year Old Child,

If you wake me up again before 6:00am, I’m selling you on eBay.

Love You!
Mom

To Snakes

Dear Snakes,

You totally gross me out. (I’m sorry, Cathy, but they DO!)

Sincerely,
Nomes

To the Doctors' Office

Dear (and I use this term loosely) Doctors' Office,

How the HECK do you not have any appointments open for those people who have to call in for a same day sick appointment? HOW?! I was under the impression that medical offices are supposed to keep a certain amount of appointments open for those who are sick. I called you this morning (one hour after opening, mind you) to make an appointment and the tart on the other end of the line told me that there weren't any more appointments for the day. Pardon? No more appointments? How is that? What am I supposed to do? The tart than proceeded to tell me that I could go to the Urgent Care Clinic through the ER.

!!!!!!!!!!!

May I just say that you're lucky I don't have a gun or something?

I don't think you should employ tarts anymore.

Because of your ineptness, I now have to wait until tonight to go to the ER when I know it is not going to be as busy. Are you trying to show the world what universal health care will be like? Because, since you are a military-run hospital, that is exactly what you are: universal health care. You have now made it quite clear that that is not what this country needs. And really, I have had a great experience with you, on the whole, but this is really just ridiculous.

Go enema yourself.

Spewing my germs towards you,
Nomes

To the FAA

To the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA),

Why, oh why are there not baby changing tables in all airplane lavatories? WHY????? Have you ever tried changing a wriggling baby in an airplane lavatory without a fold down changing table? I bet you haven’t! Have you ever, knowing that there wasn’t a changing table anywhere near you at an altitude of 30,000 feet, tried changing a baby on your lap, in the middle seat, in COACH!? I bet you haven’t.

I’ve tried ignoring the diaper. I’ve tried looking at other babies, hoping against hope that the other passengers would think it was one of them creating the foul stench and not my own child. I’ve tried changing the baby on that square inch of counter space in the lavatory. I’ve even tried changing the baby on the toilet seat!

What I propose is a new regulation. In case you haven’t noticed, revenues for all of the airlines have been plummeting lately. Passengers are fed up. Some people claim delays. Some people claim poor customer service. I can guarantee you it is the shocking lack of changing tables in the airplane lavatories. If you don’t think a new regulation will change anything why don’t you try flying with a stinky baby with nowhere to change it. I dare you. Try it. If you don’t want to fly with a stinky baby, I have plenty of diapers I can hide in your carryon.

Fed up with stinkies,
Nomes

To the Georgia Breeze

To the Georgia Breeze,

Thank you for making summer here in Georgia more bearable. Thank you for making sitting outside, waiting for the kids’ bus to bring them home from school less oppressive. Thank you for diminishing the humidity. Thank you for making summer night stargazing pleasant. Thank you for rippling the tall field grass and making it look as though their movements had been choreographed. Thank you for the quiet music that is created by you blowing through the trees. Thank you for bringing delicious smells along for me to enjoy.

Thank you for being.

Always enjoying your small gifts,
Nomes

To Floss

My Dear Floss,

I am writing this note to you to help you with your current self-esteem crisis. I know, I know, toothbrushes get all of the glory, but you are just as important - no, more important than any old toothbrush! Any toothbrush can get gunk off of the surface of a tooth, but there isn’t a single toothbrush out there that con do what you do. NOT ONE! Can a toothbrush get bits of food from between teeth? No! Can a toothbrush prevent cavities, and subsequent root canals, from occurring between teeth? No! But you can, floss! You can! You are an invaluable weapon in the arsenal against tooth decay! You are FLOSS! Now straighten out and cheer up. You. Are. Floss!

A Huge Fan of All of Her Teeth,
Nomes

P.S. My husband (who happens to be a Dentist) wanted to add this to put your importance into perspective:

Silver Filling - $80
Root Canal plus Crown - $1600
Extraction - $110
Implant - $4000
Flossing at night before going to bed - Priceless

~N

To the CyberVoid

Dear CyberVoid,

With the encouragement of some dear friends, I have decided to start this blog in order to share my letters.

Why letters, you ask? It really is quite simple. Over the last couple of years I have found that expressing my feelings and thoughts through letters, whether they be to real people or some inanimate object, is much easier for me to do than to, say, describe my thoughts and feelings in an essay or even a blog post. I had never even considered writing letters until my dear friend Kimmy pinged me with one on Y!M. It made me laugh. It was just a "Dear such-and-such, (insert one-liner). Love, Kimmy" sort of thing. While short and simple it sent across her feelings so perfectly that I just had to try it for myself. For years now we've been pinging each other with these short letters. However, about a month ago, I actually posted a longer letter to my LiveJournal. I wasn't feeling well, kind of like how I'm feeling right now, and so I posted the following:

Dear Body,

You are totally kicking my butt. Well, I suppose it is your butt too, but that is beside the point!

Anyway, what is up with the constant fatigue? The headaches? The aches in general? The sore throat is also not cool. I am thinking of trading you in for a younger model. I know we've been together for a long time, but that's just the way things might have to be. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of getting a relatively full night's sleep and waking up as if it never happened. Either shape up or be prepared to be dumped by the side of the road.

Sincerely,
Nomes

It was so therapeutic to write and it got a few laughs. Then, last week, I posted this in anticipation of the upcoming seasonal change:

Dear Autumn,

I am SO EXCITED that you are nearly here! While it is true that Christmas is by far my favorite holiday, you, my dear Autumn, are my favorite season! I get thrilled down to the tips of my toes when I start thinking of your coming. And, as you well know, it has been four long years since we have seen each other! I've missed you so much! I cannot wait to see your beautiful colors again, smell your good smells, and feel your coolness on my skin. I'm excited for the holidays that occur during your visit. Halloween is fun, especially with the kids, and Thanksgiving is always a pleasure, especially since we are staying home this year and keeping it VERY simple.

Autumn, my dear, dear Fall, I look forward to seeing you again. Please hurry. I have all manner of decorations that I want to put out around the house, but I need to wait for you. Don't take too long in getting here. We are going to have so much fun together!

Have I mentioned that I've missed you!

Counting down the days,
Nomes

I received quite a lot of positive feedback from that one and some wondered if I had any more letters.

Well, I do. Hence this blog.

(On an aside, don't you just love the word hence? I know that I do!)

I know that by sharing my letters I am opening myself up to you, Void, and to others. But how can we grow unless we stretch ourselves? I do not fancy myself a writer, but I enjoy writing these letters.

There might be others who join us here, Void. I hope that that is all right with you. If others do come across my letters, they can expect all sorts; letters to my children, letters on my feelings, LOTS of "Thank you" notes, letters expressing my political views, or my spirituality, things of that nature. Oh, and they can also expect letters that are rants or just downright silly! It all depends on my mood. Mainly rants and silliness, I think. Anyway, I know that since you are a "void" it is against your inherent nature to really get upset about anything. Others at times, however, might raise their eyebrows or decide that my letters aren't really for them. That is fine with me, because they aren't for them. These letters are for me.

Well, sweet Void, I hope you enjoy my bit of information/data/minutia that you are about to receive. I know that I, for one, will take joy in the giving.

Thanks for the canvas,
Nomes