Dear Baby's Gummy Smile,
Well, it looks as though you are not long for this world with the discovery of two teeth today. I have to say that I am always a little sad with the coming of the first few teeth, because I just love the way you gummy smiles look! I love how you gnaw on things and how you are all cute and pink when a grin shows you off. My goodness, I'm going to miss you.
Of course, I'll probably see you again once I lose all of my own teeth, but let's not go there...
Farewell, Gummy Smile.
Nomes
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
To Monster Mommy
To: Monster Mommy
Re: Your recent frequent appearances.
It has come to my attention that you have been appearing more and more in our home and I'm afraid that this is just inexcusable. Whenever you show up (mainly at the most hectic part of the evening) yelling ensues, kids get upset, and my husband runs for cover. You have also been observed throwing random objects against the garage wall in an attempt to calm down.
Not that you haven't had almost justifiable cause: children ignoring you, babies crying, at times feeling somewhat under-appreciated. One can almost hardly fault you under such circumstances, but the frequency at which you have been turning up has, quite frankly, become alarming.
Please consider yourself "on notice."
Tired of the loss of control,
Nomes
Re: Your recent frequent appearances.
It has come to my attention that you have been appearing more and more in our home and I'm afraid that this is just inexcusable. Whenever you show up (mainly at the most hectic part of the evening) yelling ensues, kids get upset, and my husband runs for cover. You have also been observed throwing random objects against the garage wall in an attempt to calm down.
Not that you haven't had almost justifiable cause: children ignoring you, babies crying, at times feeling somewhat under-appreciated. One can almost hardly fault you under such circumstances, but the frequency at which you have been turning up has, quite frankly, become alarming.
Please consider yourself "on notice."
Tired of the loss of control,
Nomes
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
To Chocolate
Dear Chocolate,
I think I've figured out why women love you so much. You're like the punk kid we were told to stay away from in high school. You know the one: bad attitude, always in trouble, cute as all get-out. The kind of boy who we knew would lead us to nowhere good. but we were drawn to him, nonetheless.
You are just like that boy, Chocolate. We women know you're bad for us, that if we have too much of you it will lead us to nowhere good (i.e. ChubbyLand), yet we flock to you in droves! You are completely irresistible, what with your smoothness of texture, your pleasing aroma, your oh-so-sweet taste...
*takes a moment to eat a few bits of chocolate*
......
Feeling the guilt but ready to nibble you again in a heartbeat,
Nomes
I think I've figured out why women love you so much. You're like the punk kid we were told to stay away from in high school. You know the one: bad attitude, always in trouble, cute as all get-out. The kind of boy who we knew would lead us to nowhere good. but we were drawn to him, nonetheless.
You are just like that boy, Chocolate. We women know you're bad for us, that if we have too much of you it will lead us to nowhere good (i.e. ChubbyLand), yet we flock to you in droves! You are completely irresistible, what with your smoothness of texture, your pleasing aroma, your oh-so-sweet taste...
*takes a moment to eat a few bits of chocolate*
......
Feeling the guilt but ready to nibble you again in a heartbeat,
Nomes
To My Clean Toddler
Dearest Toddler,
I don’t know where you came from, but you just crack me up! My latest favorite part about you is how you are all of a sudden so tidy! You know how you are constantly closing cupboard doors behind me? Or like the other day, when I left a plate on the couch and you came and grabbed it and were going to put it in the sink, but got so upset when you realized that the baby gate was blocking your way?
What really floors me is that when you spill something (like a drink), as all toddlers are wont to do, instead of getting upset you shout, “MESS” and run to the kitchen to get a towel and proceed to clean it up!
I know that this won’t last forever, but I’m always grateful for small favors. Keep it up as long you like. I know I certainly won’t mind!
Enjoying your fastidiousness,
Mom
I don’t know where you came from, but you just crack me up! My latest favorite part about you is how you are all of a sudden so tidy! You know how you are constantly closing cupboard doors behind me? Or like the other day, when I left a plate on the couch and you came and grabbed it and were going to put it in the sink, but got so upset when you realized that the baby gate was blocking your way?
What really floors me is that when you spill something (like a drink), as all toddlers are wont to do, instead of getting upset you shout, “MESS” and run to the kitchen to get a towel and proceed to clean it up!
I know that this won’t last forever, but I’m always grateful for small favors. Keep it up as long you like. I know I certainly won’t mind!
Enjoying your fastidiousness,
Mom
Monday, September 24, 2007
To My Children
Dear Children,
Would it be too much to ask to please let me go to the bathroom in peace? Why is it that the world starts falling apart the moment I need some "time to myself?" I'm never in there for very long, and I'm sure that whatever it is that seems so important to you at that moment could certainly wait five more minutes!
(Unless, of course, someone is bleeding or the house in on fire*)
You all know that I love you dearly. However Mom needs some alone time. Please, in the future, refrain from waiting outside of the bathroom door, trying to shout to me about something through bathroom door, sending me notes under the bathroom door, and sticking your little fingers under the bathroom door.
Looking forward to the day she doesn't have to announce she is going "potty,"
Mom
*Please note that nowhere in that sentence are the phrases, "but I'm hungry" or "I want to watch TV" or "he/she hit me/took my toy/is breathing."
Would it be too much to ask to please let me go to the bathroom in peace? Why is it that the world starts falling apart the moment I need some "time to myself?" I'm never in there for very long, and I'm sure that whatever it is that seems so important to you at that moment could certainly wait five more minutes!
(Unless, of course, someone is bleeding or the house in on fire*)
You all know that I love you dearly. However Mom needs some alone time. Please, in the future, refrain from waiting outside of the bathroom door, trying to shout to me about something through bathroom door, sending me notes under the bathroom door, and sticking your little fingers under the bathroom door.
Looking forward to the day she doesn't have to announce she is going "potty,"
Mom
*Please note that nowhere in that sentence are the phrases, "but I'm hungry" or "I want to watch TV" or "he/she hit me/took my toy/is breathing."
Friday, September 21, 2007
To Some Britons (and an Aussie)
Dear David Tennant, Hugh Laurie, Hugh Jackman, Alan Rickman, and last but not least Colin Firth,
YUM!
Most Sincerely,
Nomes
YUM!
Most Sincerely,
Nomes
To My Baby and His Noises
Dearest Squealing Baby,
Do you have any idea how much joy those noises are to me? As you are my last, I realize that the sounds of baby-ness will not be much longer in my home. I love your noises: the cooing, the “da da das,” the hypersonic peals that almost reach canine hearing levels, and yes, even your cries. Little one, I have so much enjoyed this time with you. And now, while I still have you as a baby, please keep up the tender noises. I know that your infant laughter will eventually make its way to toddler laughter and beyond, but for now I am content. Thanks for the joyful noise!
All ears to all of your baby noises,
Mom
Do you have any idea how much joy those noises are to me? As you are my last, I realize that the sounds of baby-ness will not be much longer in my home. I love your noises: the cooing, the “da da das,” the hypersonic peals that almost reach canine hearing levels, and yes, even your cries. Little one, I have so much enjoyed this time with you. And now, while I still have you as a baby, please keep up the tender noises. I know that your infant laughter will eventually make its way to toddler laughter and beyond, but for now I am content. Thanks for the joyful noise!
All ears to all of your baby noises,
Mom
Thursday, September 20, 2007
To My Tonsils
Dear Tonsils,
I'm not sure how to begin. It is never easy writing a letter of this sort. I know that we have been together for a very long time - almost thirty years - however, I just don't think it's working out between us. I know that you are quite attached to me, but your behavior over the years, especially the last two or three, has made me realize that it is not worth the time and energy needed on my part to make this relationship work.
I understand that this may be hard for you to hear but you have become nothing more than a nuisance. You are a breeding ground for infection, you are huge (not that weight ever matters but I am starting to have trouble breathing), and you keep me from getting a good night's sleep.
I'm going to be taking steps to make our separation permanent. I'm sorry, but I have to do what's best for me.
It's not me, it's you.
Sincerely,
Nomes
I'm not sure how to begin. It is never easy writing a letter of this sort. I know that we have been together for a very long time - almost thirty years - however, I just don't think it's working out between us. I know that you are quite attached to me, but your behavior over the years, especially the last two or three, has made me realize that it is not worth the time and energy needed on my part to make this relationship work.
I understand that this may be hard for you to hear but you have become nothing more than a nuisance. You are a breeding ground for infection, you are huge (not that weight ever matters but I am starting to have trouble breathing), and you keep me from getting a good night's sleep.
I'm going to be taking steps to make our separation permanent. I'm sorry, but I have to do what's best for me.
It's not me, it's you.
Sincerely,
Nomes
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
To Severus Snape
Dear Severus Snape,
A DOE?? Are you freakin’ kidding me?! I mean, I understand the romance of it all, but no wonder you never cast a Patronus in front of the other Death Eaters! “Protecting my cover” my eye! You would have had the grease beat out of you for having Bambi as a protector! FREAKIN’ BAMBI!
And you told Tonks her new Patronus was weak! Seriously, you’re killing me here.
*bother*
Nomes
A DOE?? Are you freakin’ kidding me?! I mean, I understand the romance of it all, but no wonder you never cast a Patronus in front of the other Death Eaters! “Protecting my cover” my eye! You would have had the grease beat out of you for having Bambi as a protector! FREAKIN’ BAMBI!
And you told Tonks her new Patronus was weak! Seriously, you’re killing me here.
*bother*
Nomes
To My Two Year Old
My Dearest Two Year Old Child,
If you wake me up again before 6:00am, I’m selling you on eBay.
Love You!
Mom
If you wake me up again before 6:00am, I’m selling you on eBay.
Love You!
Mom
To the Doctors' Office
Dear (and I use this term loosely) Doctors' Office,
How the HECK do you not have any appointments open for those people who have to call in for a same day sick appointment? HOW?! I was under the impression that medical offices are supposed to keep a certain amount of appointments open for those who are sick. I called you this morning (one hour after opening, mind you) to make an appointment and the tart on the other end of the line told me that there weren't any more appointments for the day. Pardon? No more appointments? How is that? What am I supposed to do? The tart than proceeded to tell me that I could go to the Urgent Care Clinic through the ER.
!!!!!!!!!!!
May I just say that you're lucky I don't have a gun or something?
I don't think you should employ tarts anymore.
Because of your ineptness, I now have to wait until tonight to go to the ER when I know it is not going to be as busy. Are you trying to show the world what universal health care will be like? Because, since you are a military-run hospital, that is exactly what you are: universal health care. You have now made it quite clear that that is not what this country needs. And really, I have had a great experience with you, on the whole, but this is really just ridiculous.
Go enema yourself.
Spewing my germs towards you,
Nomes
How the HECK do you not have any appointments open for those people who have to call in for a same day sick appointment? HOW?! I was under the impression that medical offices are supposed to keep a certain amount of appointments open for those who are sick. I called you this morning (one hour after opening, mind you) to make an appointment and the tart on the other end of the line told me that there weren't any more appointments for the day. Pardon? No more appointments? How is that? What am I supposed to do? The tart than proceeded to tell me that I could go to the Urgent Care Clinic through the ER.
!!!!!!!!!!!
May I just say that you're lucky I don't have a gun or something?
I don't think you should employ tarts anymore.
Because of your ineptness, I now have to wait until tonight to go to the ER when I know it is not going to be as busy. Are you trying to show the world what universal health care will be like? Because, since you are a military-run hospital, that is exactly what you are: universal health care. You have now made it quite clear that that is not what this country needs. And really, I have had a great experience with you, on the whole, but this is really just ridiculous.
Go enema yourself.
Spewing my germs towards you,
Nomes
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
To the FAA
To the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA),
Why, oh why are there not baby changing tables in all airplane lavatories? WHY????? Have you ever tried changing a wriggling baby in an airplane lavatory without a fold down changing table? I bet you haven’t! Have you ever, knowing that there wasn’t a changing table anywhere near you at an altitude of 30,000 feet, tried changing a baby on your lap, in the middle seat, in COACH!? I bet you haven’t.
I’ve tried ignoring the diaper. I’ve tried looking at other babies, hoping against hope that the other passengers would think it was one of them creating the foul stench and not my own child. I’ve tried changing the baby on that square inch of counter space in the lavatory. I’ve even tried changing the baby on the toilet seat!
What I propose is a new regulation. In case you haven’t noticed, revenues for all of the airlines have been plummeting lately. Passengers are fed up. Some people claim delays. Some people claim poor customer service. I can guarantee you it is the shocking lack of changing tables in the airplane lavatories. If you don’t think a new regulation will change anything why don’t you try flying with a stinky baby with nowhere to change it. I dare you. Try it. If you don’t want to fly with a stinky baby, I have plenty of diapers I can hide in your carryon.
Fed up with stinkies,
Nomes
Why, oh why are there not baby changing tables in all airplane lavatories? WHY????? Have you ever tried changing a wriggling baby in an airplane lavatory without a fold down changing table? I bet you haven’t! Have you ever, knowing that there wasn’t a changing table anywhere near you at an altitude of 30,000 feet, tried changing a baby on your lap, in the middle seat, in COACH!? I bet you haven’t.
I’ve tried ignoring the diaper. I’ve tried looking at other babies, hoping against hope that the other passengers would think it was one of them creating the foul stench and not my own child. I’ve tried changing the baby on that square inch of counter space in the lavatory. I’ve even tried changing the baby on the toilet seat!
What I propose is a new regulation. In case you haven’t noticed, revenues for all of the airlines have been plummeting lately. Passengers are fed up. Some people claim delays. Some people claim poor customer service. I can guarantee you it is the shocking lack of changing tables in the airplane lavatories. If you don’t think a new regulation will change anything why don’t you try flying with a stinky baby with nowhere to change it. I dare you. Try it. If you don’t want to fly with a stinky baby, I have plenty of diapers I can hide in your carryon.
Fed up with stinkies,
Nomes
To the Georgia Breeze
To the Georgia Breeze,
Thank you for making summer here in Georgia more bearable. Thank you for making sitting outside, waiting for the kids’ bus to bring them home from school less oppressive. Thank you for diminishing the humidity. Thank you for making summer night stargazing pleasant. Thank you for rippling the tall field grass and making it look as though their movements had been choreographed. Thank you for the quiet music that is created by you blowing through the trees. Thank you for bringing delicious smells along for me to enjoy.
Thank you for being.
Always enjoying your small gifts,
Nomes
Thank you for making summer here in Georgia more bearable. Thank you for making sitting outside, waiting for the kids’ bus to bring them home from school less oppressive. Thank you for diminishing the humidity. Thank you for making summer night stargazing pleasant. Thank you for rippling the tall field grass and making it look as though their movements had been choreographed. Thank you for the quiet music that is created by you blowing through the trees. Thank you for bringing delicious smells along for me to enjoy.
Thank you for being.
Always enjoying your small gifts,
Nomes
To Floss
My Dear Floss,
I am writing this note to you to help you with your current self-esteem crisis. I know, I know, toothbrushes get all of the glory, but you are just as important - no, more important than any old toothbrush! Any toothbrush can get gunk off of the surface of a tooth, but there isn’t a single toothbrush out there that con do what you do. NOT ONE! Can a toothbrush get bits of food from between teeth? No! Can a toothbrush prevent cavities, and subsequent root canals, from occurring between teeth? No! But you can, floss! You can! You are an invaluable weapon in the arsenal against tooth decay! You are FLOSS! Now straighten out and cheer up. You. Are. Floss!
A Huge Fan of All of Her Teeth,
Nomes
P.S. My husband (who happens to be a Dentist) wanted to add this to put your importance into perspective:
Silver Filling - $80
Root Canal plus Crown - $1600
Extraction - $110
Implant - $4000
Flossing at night before going to bed - Priceless
~N
I am writing this note to you to help you with your current self-esteem crisis. I know, I know, toothbrushes get all of the glory, but you are just as important - no, more important than any old toothbrush! Any toothbrush can get gunk off of the surface of a tooth, but there isn’t a single toothbrush out there that con do what you do. NOT ONE! Can a toothbrush get bits of food from between teeth? No! Can a toothbrush prevent cavities, and subsequent root canals, from occurring between teeth? No! But you can, floss! You can! You are an invaluable weapon in the arsenal against tooth decay! You are FLOSS! Now straighten out and cheer up. You. Are. Floss!
A Huge Fan of All of Her Teeth,
Nomes
P.S. My husband (who happens to be a Dentist) wanted to add this to put your importance into perspective:
Silver Filling - $80
Root Canal plus Crown - $1600
Extraction - $110
Implant - $4000
Flossing at night before going to bed - Priceless
~N
To the CyberVoid
Dear CyberVoid,
With the encouragement of some dear friends, I have decided to start this blog in order to share my letters.
Why letters, you ask? It really is quite simple. Over the last couple of years I have found that expressing my feelings and thoughts through letters, whether they be to real people or some inanimate object, is much easier for me to do than to, say, describe my thoughts and feelings in an essay or even a blog post. I had never even considered writing letters until my dear friend Kimmy pinged me with one on Y!M. It made me laugh. It was just a "Dear such-and-such, (insert one-liner). Love, Kimmy" sort of thing. While short and simple it sent across her feelings so perfectly that I just had to try it for myself. For years now we've been pinging each other with these short letters. However, about a month ago, I actually posted a longer letter to my LiveJournal. I wasn't feeling well, kind of like how I'm feeling right now, and so I posted the following:
Dear Body,
You are totally kicking my butt. Well, I suppose it is your butt too, but that is beside the point!
Anyway, what is up with the constant fatigue? The headaches? The aches in general? The sore throat is also not cool. I am thinking of trading you in for a younger model. I know we've been together for a long time, but that's just the way things might have to be. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of getting a relatively full night's sleep and waking up as if it never happened. Either shape up or be prepared to be dumped by the side of the road.
Sincerely,
Nomes
It was so therapeutic to write and it got a few laughs. Then, last week, I posted this in anticipation of the upcoming seasonal change:
Dear Autumn,
I am SO EXCITED that you are nearly here! While it is true that Christmas is by far my favorite holiday, you, my dear Autumn, are my favorite season! I get thrilled down to the tips of my toes when I start thinking of your coming. And, as you well know, it has been four long years since we have seen each other! I've missed you so much! I cannot wait to see your beautiful colors again, smell your good smells, and feel your coolness on my skin. I'm excited for the holidays that occur during your visit. Halloween is fun, especially with the kids, and Thanksgiving is always a pleasure, especially since we are staying home this year and keeping it VERY simple.
Autumn, my dear, dear Fall, I look forward to seeing you again. Please hurry. I have all manner of decorations that I want to put out around the house, but I need to wait for you. Don't take too long in getting here. We are going to have so much fun together!
Have I mentioned that I've missed you!
Counting down the days,
Nomes
I received quite a lot of positive feedback from that one and some wondered if I had any more letters.
Well, I do. Hence this blog.
(On an aside, don't you just love the word hence? I know that I do!)
I know that by sharing my letters I am opening myself up to you, Void, and to others. But how can we grow unless we stretch ourselves? I do not fancy myself a writer, but I enjoy writing these letters.
There might be others who join us here, Void. I hope that that is all right with you. If others do come across my letters, they can expect all sorts; letters to my children, letters on my feelings, LOTS of "Thank you" notes, letters expressing my political views, or my spirituality, things of that nature. Oh, and they can also expect letters that are rants or just downright silly! It all depends on my mood. Mainly rants and silliness, I think. Anyway, I know that since you are a "void" it is against your inherent nature to really get upset about anything. Others at times, however, might raise their eyebrows or decide that my letters aren't really for them. That is fine with me, because they aren't for them. These letters are for me.
Well, sweet Void, I hope you enjoy my bit of information/data/minutia that you are about to receive. I know that I, for one, will take joy in the giving.
Thanks for the canvas,
Nomes
With the encouragement of some dear friends, I have decided to start this blog in order to share my letters.
Why letters, you ask? It really is quite simple. Over the last couple of years I have found that expressing my feelings and thoughts through letters, whether they be to real people or some inanimate object, is much easier for me to do than to, say, describe my thoughts and feelings in an essay or even a blog post. I had never even considered writing letters until my dear friend Kimmy pinged me with one on Y!M. It made me laugh. It was just a "Dear such-and-such, (insert one-liner). Love, Kimmy" sort of thing. While short and simple it sent across her feelings so perfectly that I just had to try it for myself. For years now we've been pinging each other with these short letters. However, about a month ago, I actually posted a longer letter to my LiveJournal. I wasn't feeling well, kind of like how I'm feeling right now, and so I posted the following:
Dear Body,
You are totally kicking my butt. Well, I suppose it is your butt too, but that is beside the point!
Anyway, what is up with the constant fatigue? The headaches? The aches in general? The sore throat is also not cool. I am thinking of trading you in for a younger model. I know we've been together for a long time, but that's just the way things might have to be. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of getting a relatively full night's sleep and waking up as if it never happened. Either shape up or be prepared to be dumped by the side of the road.
Sincerely,
Nomes
It was so therapeutic to write and it got a few laughs. Then, last week, I posted this in anticipation of the upcoming seasonal change:
Dear Autumn,
I am SO EXCITED that you are nearly here! While it is true that Christmas is by far my favorite holiday, you, my dear Autumn, are my favorite season! I get thrilled down to the tips of my toes when I start thinking of your coming. And, as you well know, it has been four long years since we have seen each other! I've missed you so much! I cannot wait to see your beautiful colors again, smell your good smells, and feel your coolness on my skin. I'm excited for the holidays that occur during your visit. Halloween is fun, especially with the kids, and Thanksgiving is always a pleasure, especially since we are staying home this year and keeping it VERY simple.
Autumn, my dear, dear Fall, I look forward to seeing you again. Please hurry. I have all manner of decorations that I want to put out around the house, but I need to wait for you. Don't take too long in getting here. We are going to have so much fun together!
Have I mentioned that I've missed you!
Counting down the days,
Nomes
I received quite a lot of positive feedback from that one and some wondered if I had any more letters.
Well, I do. Hence this blog.
(On an aside, don't you just love the word hence? I know that I do!)
I know that by sharing my letters I am opening myself up to you, Void, and to others. But how can we grow unless we stretch ourselves? I do not fancy myself a writer, but I enjoy writing these letters.
There might be others who join us here, Void. I hope that that is all right with you. If others do come across my letters, they can expect all sorts; letters to my children, letters on my feelings, LOTS of "Thank you" notes, letters expressing my political views, or my spirituality, things of that nature. Oh, and they can also expect letters that are rants or just downright silly! It all depends on my mood. Mainly rants and silliness, I think. Anyway, I know that since you are a "void" it is against your inherent nature to really get upset about anything. Others at times, however, might raise their eyebrows or decide that my letters aren't really for them. That is fine with me, because they aren't for them. These letters are for me.
Well, sweet Void, I hope you enjoy my bit of information/data/minutia that you are about to receive. I know that I, for one, will take joy in the giving.
Thanks for the canvas,
Nomes
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